Ten Things at the Pulpit

There are times when I am getting ready for church and I remember that it's Fast Sunday.  This means Testimony meeting.  This meeting can sometimes be very inspiring, but in my experience it's more often entertaining than inspirational.  I have compiled a short list of things I have heard over the years at the pulpit.   I have witheld the names of some, not to protect them, but because I don't recall who they were.  Most of the time they were just visitors.

For your enjoyment, number one:

1.  A very drawn out and detailed description of how beautiful the Bishops wife is.  The speaker was male, and was very engaged in this description.  I know, I know. . . wow.

2.  "It's wonderful to come to church and see the Saints engaging in casual intercourse in the hallways."  Bishop Sevy, Madison Ward, 1999-ish.  Of course, he meant "freely conversing and openly fellowshipping". . . right?

3.  "Sometimes, I just don't know what the Hell I'm supposed to do. . . OOPS, sorry Bishop!"  Pardon the expletive. 

4.   ". . . I started to hike up the side of the mountain where the light was coming from.  As I neared the top I saw a great white Angel.  She was beautiful.  She wrapped her wings around me so tightly, and gave me strength."   At this point, the Bishop stood and actually whispered into the man's ear - suddenly, the man stomped off the stage and left the building.  Then the Bishop apologized for the scene and explained that it is his responsiblity to make sure there is no false doctrine taught while he is Presiding.  He then corrected the doctrine about angels, explained that sometimes Satan can appear as an angel of light and that we must all understand this.  He then humbly bore testimony of the truth and sat down again.  Bishop Paul Duncan, Madison Ward, 1999-ish.

5.  A full description of what marijuana leaf looks like, and some extensive detail on how to grow it.

6.  I was very young at the time but I still remember to this day - there was a man giving a talk about music.  He had a stereo plugged in by the pulpit.  He was explaining how good music helps us keep the Spirit, next he described the song "Wild Boys" by Duran Duran.  He then proceeded to insert the cassette and started to push the button when the Bishop stopped him.  He didn't play the music, but I still remember the sudden break in the feeling in the room - and the momentary silence as he approached the microphone again.  He graciously accepted the Bishops direction, but the Spirit left even without the music playing.  Then again, maybe I just remember this because I really liked that song.  

7.  A sister stood and gave a detailed account of how she was a victim of sexual abuse.   I don't even know what to say about this.  

8.  "I know I'm supposed to talk today, but I really don't have anything prepared.  So I'll just go sit down again."  [Walked away]

9.  "It's nice to look out into this congregation and see a bunch of fat white people.  See, in the Philippines - to be fat is a beautiful thing."  Bishop Sevy, Madison Ward.  He and his wife served a mission in the Philippines.  

10.  "Sometimes when I'm alone I just make up my own hymns.  I never pray, I just sing my own hymns.  I feel God has given me this talent, so I use it instead of prayer."